intermission

9. If memory is what holds the Big Plan together, then forget it.

Planning her new strategy, Mimi remembered the big problem with each of her past strategies - her memory. Devising her strategies is fun and creative, but they always fail because she forgets to check the results.

After a long day of school, teachers complaining and friends being mental, who can remember to see if a trap has been sprung?

What to do, what to do...

Hmmm, she thought, maybe an actual trap? A bear trap or something like that? Maybe Susy would chew her own leg off to escape. That'd be cool! Then Mum couldn't deny it, and while they were at the hospital, Susy would have to admit what she'd been up to. So where does one get a bear trap?

Sigh, but seriously. How to catch Susy in the act and prove once and for all what a horrible little sister she is. Proof that Mom and Dad couldn't ignore or gloss over or say oh but she's just little. 

8. Hallways & Mirrors

Slamming her locker shut and spinning the lock, Mimi turned around to see Cathy staring at her.

"What?", asked Mimi. "What's that look for?"

"I saw them. I saw your designs. You are amazing! Where'd you learn to draw like that? And where'd you get those ideas? Wow."

"Really? You like them? Thanks. That means a lot." Mimi gave Cathy a quick hug.

Wandering down the hall together, Cathy said, "Remember in kindergarten, the first day of school and I was scared and you sat with me?" She smiled at her friend. "Well that was first day of our friendship and I love how we have supported each other ever since."

"Except Grade Two."

Cathy laughed, "yes, except Grade Two. That was pretty awful. I missed you."

"I know. That was the worst year. I had to hang out with Stephanie and Angel." The names were ejected as if Mimi was afraid they'd soil her tongue.

"They're not so bad anymore, are they." A statement more than a question.

"I know, but in Grade Two they were the worst - the very worst."

"You're right. Anyway I'm back now and no plans to move away again. Except when we go to college."

Linking arms, they smiled happily and got to Chemistry just in time to see Mazurski close the door.

"Aw, I bet he's locked it", opined Mimi. "I hate when he does that. It's so embarrassing having to stand there until he deigns to open the door."

"And when he does let you in, he humiliates you in front of the class", agreed Cathy. "Oh well, let's put on our disappointed-in-ourselves faces and see if we can get in."
 

7. Psychopathic turdface

"Mom!" Susy shouted. "MOM!" "Mom, where are you?"

"I'm right here and stop shouting like that unless you're on fire." Mom came around the corner, arms up fixing her hair in place.

Obviously I'm not that important to her, thought Susy. Since she can't even be bothered to let go her hair. Her perfect hair.


"Are you ok, puddin'?" Mom leant down and kissed Susy on the cheek. Squeezy hug and another kiss on the top of her head. "I love you. You scared me, yelling like that. I thought pirates had broken in."

"Or elephants?" Susy smiled up at her mom.
"Or elephants." Her mom agreed.

Another hug, "So what's all the ruckus about?"

Susy remembered her mood. "Because Mother," she huffed, "listen to what Mimi said about me this time."

Mom leaned forward, pulling the book out of Susy's hands. "I've told you before. Stay out of Mimi's room, stay out of Mimi's stuff, and specifically stay out of Mimi's diary."

"If I catch you in here again, I will need to punish you. Now go to your room."

Susy stomped off, making angry sounds as she wandered down the hall. Now she had two legitimate reasons to feel sorry for herself - a sister who hated her and a mother who sided with evil.

6. What to Do About Susy

If only little sisters were trainable, thought Mimi. I could train her to clean my room, wash my clothes and walk the dog. Man, even if I could just train her to stay the BLEEP out of my room! I know she goes in there, snooping around for money or candy, my diary or other incriminating evidence.

Mimi was often waging campaigns to catch the little weasel, but so far to no avail. Susy was like a professional spy - never caught and always covers her tracks. But Mimi knew. She knew that little turd was in there. Once again, Mimi determined to catch Susy and then demand the death penalty. Ok, so mom and dad probably wouldn't go along with that, but with proof she could demand some sort of punishment.

Once again, Mimi devised a plan. She would leave a hair across her diary and if it was disturbed when she returned, then that would prove it! Mom and Dad would be forced to acknowledge that their little darling is a psychopath. A psychopathic turd. A diary-reading, clothes-stealing psychopathic turdface.

4. Rats in the Kitchen?!?

“What? Why? What’s going on?” Her mother raced around the corner into the kitchen, almost careening into Jason, who complained about lack of respect for the chef.

Dad wandered in, a little calmer than mom, who always panicked right away. Why wait, when you can panic? He straightened his tie, “what’s going on? What’s this about cats?”

“Rats, dad. Mimi says we have rats in the house.”

“I didn’t say we had them in the house, I said in the compost.”

Susy considered this, “you mean just in the kitchen?”

“No Susy, in the compost. The comm-posstt.” Stretching and emphasizing each syllable to make herself heard and hopefully to convey the intense irritation that her little sister subjected her to. “That large black bin we drop our banana peels and mom and dad’s coffee grounds into… the one you pull all the snails off in the summer? Know what I mean?”

Susy brightened, “oh, you mean my worm farm!”

Yech. That’s all I can say about little sisters, thought Mimi, mercifully remembering to keep her thoughts to herself. Mom never appreciated Mimi’s helpful suggestions about what to do about Susy.    

3. The Goofy Smile

“No goofy smile. Just an appreciation for the world and its beauty”, she retorted.

He side-eyes her. “You’re up to something. Or you’re in love again. Dear God, don’t let it be love again. We can’t take another Mimi love affair!” He reaches for her, “will I have to step in and protect you again? Be your big brother?”

“You are my big brother”, she answered, “even if you don’t always act like it.” She let him hug her, but only for a second before flicking him with a dish towel. “Get off; you’ll mush my hair.”

“I think I got a little batter in it. Sorry. Interesting look, though. It makes you seem so, so domestic.”

“I am domestic”; she said indignantly. “I cook, clean… my room’s like a spa compared to yours. And my breakfasts are the family favorites.”

“According to who?”

“Me. Mom, everyone. Ask Dad – he likes them and Susy actually eats the breakfasts I make. She doesn't hide them and pretend like with yours.”

“What? Susy loves my breakfasts! She says they’re her favorites and always comes back for seconds”

“Look in the compost bin, is all I say. Then tell me how much she’s been eating. Remember the lavender-mushroom French toast with edible lilies? Compost. What hasn’t composted so well is the raw steak bryani omelet from a couple of weeks ago. I think that’s why the RATS are there.” Spitting out the word rats.

Susy jumped. “Rats? Really? Mimi, are you just bugging me or are you telling the truth?” “MOM! DAD! ARE THERE RATS IN THE KITCHEN?”

2. The Kitchen

The kitchen was a nightmare: eggs everywhere, dripping down cabinets and off the stove. Several had formed interesting-looking stalagmites – or is it stalactites?. She frowned, pondering which was up and which was down.

Why would they make those words so similar? And so unrelated to what they were? Why not up-pointer and down-pointer, or attached-to-floor and attached-to-ceiling? Flooractites and roofactites.

“Get out of the way”, her brother pushed past her. “This pan is hot! And I need to get to the sink. Move it or lose it…. Move it or burn it.” He scrubbed the steaming pan. “And eat before it gets soggy!” He turned to look at her. “What makes you so very late this morning and why the goofy smile?” 

1. A Story For Tria

“What a beautiful day!” Mimi ran down the stairs, tossing her long hair out of the back of her sweater. “What’s for breakfast?”

Today was not her day to make breakfast. They all take turns, her mom and dad, her annoying brother Jason, who admittedly was starting to earn his keep by bringing cute friends home. Her little sister Susie was also supposed to share in the breakfast-making, but she always fumbled enough so that someone else would take over. Little sisters never have to do any work.

Mimi loved being able to sleep in those few extra minutes on days she didn’t have to cook. She loved cooking and took pride in her eggsellent breakfasts, but hey twenty minutes of extra sleep is twenty minutes she sure could use. Getting enough sleep when you’re a teenager is practically impossible. And staying up ‘til two am listening to old-school Chicago blues doesn’t help either.  ;)

Mimi had always loved blues. Even as a little kid, when she heard a blues song, she’d stand up and sway in her diaper, shaking her “cute little baby bum”. That’s what her parents called it when they talked about her, openly in front of friends and family. (And sometimes worse – sometimes they told her friends!) Her parents always told super embarrassing stories about the dumb things their kids did when they were little. Man, could they stop humiliating us in public? She doubted it. Mimi had decided that embarrassing your kids is just a form of mental illness that takes over your brain when you have kids. “I bet they can’t even help themselves”, she thought as she bounced down the steps and into the kitchen.